Happiness

Belly dancing...I never knew some moves could be sooooooooo liberating! When the lights are dim, the music is on, I feel my whole body just bursting with sensuality! You're inner goddess just pours out as you shake those hips, close your eyes, and just loose yourself to the rhythm....I love dancing :)

chin up

Its been raining all day with a light breeze. I just want to be a bum for a day. I haven't done that in a long time. Just sit and not do anything really. Last two days have been busy with friends and lots of dinners and laughter...so you might ask why I'm still feeling like a bum.

Well, he has found another girl. I still have a crush on him. I'm sad that nothing came out of our date because his father has a thing against muslims. He has everything a great guy should have...personality, humor, looks, success, celebrity-status and a genuine spirit. A smile that will melt your heart and make you weak in the knees.

I've made a decision. I like his girlfriend because she is a very sweet and friendly girl. I would never wish anything evil on them because what goes around comes around. Some day when I find someone awesome, I would not want his ex-dates to ruin things for me. How immature is that. I will always pray for them to be happy as I have been for the last two weeks since I met her. My heart aches because I am human and I have feelings. I'm allowed to feel hurt and disappointed. My brain says its for the best but my heart says it hurts to not see myself with him.

I went out of my way to be friendly to his girlfriend. I teased him that I found a sari I want to wear at his wedding so he better make his move quickly! His girlfriend and I actually licked cake batter together. We were baking a cake at his parents house and there was left over batter that we both love so we just attacked the bowl. He looked at us both and smiled. I wonder what he thought about "HHmm...two gorgeous girls who like me...fighting over sweet cake batter...hahaha!" His mom said she wished she had a camera to take a picture of the two of us. Now she wants to play match maker and hook me up with a muslim guy she knows...little does she know I have no interest in that. I know her from college too because we had a common friend. What a small world. I met her maybe once at her apartment and little did I know that 4 years later I would meet her again...dating a guy that I have feelings for.

I will continue to be positive and upbeat...even as my heart weeps. I'm surprised he still calls me to hang out...with him and his girlfriend. Perhaps he respects the fact that I will never stoop low. Maybe he doesn't know how I still feel about him.

Mubarik ho tumko yeh shaadi tumhari, saada kush raho yeh duah hai hamari
Hamara hai kiya yaar, hum hai deewane
Hamari tarap to koi be na janay...keh hum ne to tunha umr hai guzari,
Mubarik ho tumko yeh shaadi tumhari.

Thank you...

I think this just happened to me...thanks to my new "crush"...hahaha

"I had a job I loathed, a boss who made me feel one foot tall -- and a giant crush on the new guy," says Gina, 36, of Los Angeles, even though he was taken and not her normal type. "All of a sudden I'm getting excited when I'm getting ready for work -- What to wear? Which necklace? Hair curly or straight? -- and feeling that 'bloop' in my stomach when he looks at me. I wasn't trying to seduce him at all. It was plain and simple an ego boost, one that made me feel powerful and confident and at ease with myself. It helped put me in a much more positive mindset when I started sending out my resumes."

I feel like my crush did serve a purpose in my life...to revitalize me and make me feel alive...thank you RP...and you will never even know how much you changed me :)

A guy

What do you say if a guy was really flirty the first two times you met him, asked you out for dinner, and then when dinner finally comes...he's tired (work, travel, funeral). He's frustrated that he cant find the house and you are no help in the direction department because you're directionally challenged. At dinner there is none of the first time flirtiness and energy level is really down. No compliments like the first time. Is he really tired or not interested any more?

What does he really mean when he says "Call me sometime"? What if I call him and he says "No, sorry too busy to hang out". Is it a power thing? Is it the if-you-call-I-have-power-to-say-no deal?

AArrrggghhh...finally when you think a nice guy comes along...all of a sudden you feel communicationally challenged.

My heart's desire

"My heart has become capable of every form; it is a pasture for gazelles and a convent for Christian monks, and a temple for idols and the pilgrim's Ka'ba, and the tablets of the Torah and the book of the Koran. I follow the religion of Love: whatever way Love's camels take, that is my religion and my faith."- Ibn al-Arabi

Taking the steps...to freedom

I finally started to take steps towards getting out of "organized religion" and sent an email to the ladies department head (yes, there is a separate ladies department at the musjid). They have me on an email list serve about all the religious programs and news (which I delete before I read anyway) so I told them to take me off. I emailed three different people saying "please remove me from the list" and I got the response "I am sending your request to Sadr Sahiba (the department head), she will held the necessary details". Then I got the response from the Sadr Sahiba "Should our lajna (ladies department) not have you on its membership? Please confirm before we take you off." I replied "Yes, I want to be taken off for personal reasons". For God's sake, it pretty damn clear I want to be taken off the list! Lets see what they say now.

I think I know whats going to happen. Someone will contact my mom asking her for clarification (when all they need to do is talk to me). She is going to have a very hard time accepting it. Then they will probably contact the Caliph himself (the ultimate head of the cult-like group; no disrespect intended) and a stern letter might be sent my way which will probably send me even further away. I refuse to live in fear of anything.

Lets see what happens now. Let the games begin :)

Religion and God

Religion and God.

I think they are two different things.

I’m sick of organized religion. I don’t fit in. Intellectually and spiritually I feel unfulfilled so I’m turning inwards. I’m learning to separate what is man made and what is God made. Things you can’t eat, drink, or do are man made. Things you feel like tranquility and love, faith and acceptance, humility and truth that comes from God. I’ve spent my life using religion as a cover, fearing it and in doing so I never let myself be free. Guilt and a deep seated mistrust swept my heart. Now I want to be free. Free to love, free to live as I see fit with my conscience. I’m not afraid to question and I love Allah at the same time. I’m proud of my muslim heritage with its rich art, history, and culture. But I think change needs to come. Integration, assimilation with the west will happen as it always has. I’m not afraid of it anymore. I’m willing to accept my western identity as well.

The truth is I have never lived like a true muslim. I choose not to. God gave me the freedom. I don’t eat pork because it disgusts me; not because the Quran says not to. I don’t drink because I don’t like being drunk; not because the Quran says not to. I think sex is a beautiful expression in a committed relationship between two consenting and truthful adults.

I think hell is for those who don’t live honestly and truthfully by basic moral values that all religions endorse. The rest is up to God and Him alone.

Love

I am so hard on myself sometimes. I think its time for a little positivity to lift my spirit!

As we are all so closely tied to our work and products, I too find myself joined at the hip with what I do. I really get attached to my kids and I truly want the best for them. There are some nut cases in my room that would drive any sane person up the wall (or so I have been told) but thank God I have been able to work with them.
God gave me patience. I thought I would never work with special ed. kids. I remember the day I got my roster and saw one name on it...DH! I thought I was going to dig a whole and die. I had seen him run wild with his second grade teacher. I was secretly hoping he would move out of the district...but no...he was on my roster. He was born with mental retardation and a form of dwarfism but the worst part was his defiance and outright refusal to do things. Hiding under the desk, in his shirt, throwing an unbelievable tantrum while 21 other kids watched me with the look "Whats she gonna do? Fail or make it?"
I have survived :) I know I survived because DH smiles at me every morning when I shake his hand. His other teachers tell me how good I am with him. My colleagues tell me they could not have handled him :) I do love him even on his bad days. I feel good about being his teacher.

Then I have BP. A lovely child, fair skinned, dark hair, and the thickest lashes you've ever seen on a child...but boy...behind that smile lurks the devil! He seethes with anger sometimes. He pushed my buttons just to see how much I could tolerate...and he pushed constantly. Nothing could intice him or motivate him. Turns out he can not read or write on grade level. Classic dyslexic. I know his problem is his inability to learn and perform. Once I understood that, I knew his bad behavior wasn't geared towards me (even though some days it felt like he was just out to get me). I tried to find things he was good at. He tried to hide things he was good at. I insisted on work. He insisted on hanging upside down. Slowly I learned to leave the work at his desk, and when he was ready, he would peak from under the table and try it. One day I got a Chinese fortune cookie "Accept what comes to you" and I taped it to my door above the pencil sharpner :) I started to accept him and realized his tantrums were more his way of working out something internally...if I let him be, he will come out of his tantrum. Then I accept him back without ridicule. I've learned that the objective is to get him to perform at his level and cooperate. That wont happen if I engage in a battle of words. I loose the minute I engage with a 9 year old :) Last year he was with an experienced teacher and I heard he took a turn for the worst.
There is still time for things to go bad...but for now this comment BP made to another teacher about me=
"I know my teacher loves me"....I know I succeeded some what. I feel happy now.

Post colonial racism

19,000 viewers are up in arms over Shilpa Shetty's treatment on Big Brother, the British celeb reality show. I have not seen the it but apparently she is facing racism from her British counterparts. People all over India are upset and even the government is now concerned!

Its interesting how post colonial racism is playing out in the media some 60 years after the fact.

If Shetty was not Indian, would the viewers response have been the same?

I feel anxiety when I think about work. That can't be a good thing. I hate bringing work at home. I wish I could do it all there and do a good job of it too. I feel little when I see teachers walk in Monday morning with bill-board lessons and I'm walking in with a small bag of unchecked papers. I don't like lesson planning. Its not exciting for me anymore. Testing pressures has made it so mundane. No one shares teaching ideas and if I ask about it, I'm the "odd one out". Few reach out and share ideas. Everyone is stuck in a rut. I hate it. It doesn't matter how much I plan and how much effort I put into planning, the scores are not going to change. I am dreading the results.
I used to have energy. Enthusiasm. I couldn't wait to get up and see my little rascals. Now there is no excitement. Dreadful. Dealing with dead end behavior, no positive support or pat on the back...I'm begining to hate my job.

Law and Order

Law and Order: There should be a law against stereotyping.

The beginning of the show caught my eye; brown chic sleeping with a white guy wearing a cross. She was a film major, making a film about racism in Queens, NY. Fine. I like desis in unconventional fields. The story takes a major turn when she turns up dead, face bashed in cement, and the words 4 911 written in her blood.

Set in the backdrop of post 911 New York, the detective work goes from suspecting immigrant-hater Jews, jealous boyfriend, classic "arranged" marriage fiance, to her own family. Typical honor killing scenario here. She was pregnant (surprise, surprise) so her brother killed her.

Why couldn't it be a story about jews killing muslims? Too taboo for tv? She was portrayed as the classic ABCD (they even said that in the show, mispronouncing desi as "dessee"!) Couldn't she be a film maker fighting against racism in her hometown, highlighting the struggle of peaceful muslims being persecuted post 911? Instead Law and Order took this "oppurtunity" to show "Muslims kill their own". <> I'm tired of that portrayal. Humor me.

Dialgoues were RIDDLED with expletives ('you terrorist bitch' was just classic). Urdu was poorly excuted and no actors were actually Pakistani or muslim. Their desi accents seemed forced and completely fake.

Whats wrong with showing an American Pakistani Muslim woman, speaking flawless English, (if that matters), highlighting her personal views on racism through the film medium?